As part of our commitment to service excellence we have been reviewing how best to keep you safe online.
Your mobile phone is now much more than just a simple tool for communicating and allows you to access a wide range of services – read the latest news, shop for the latest fashions and listen to the latest music.
But as your mobile phone becomes more and more powerful and more and more a key part of your daily life, so too do the threats from your use of that phone grow and the risks to your personal information and the security of your finances grow.
As part of our world famousTM commitment to service excellence we want to make your mobile access simpler and safer.
So we are providing you with an additional service at no cost which is designed to protect the safety of you and your family.
From 03:17 tomorrow all Internet access from your phone will go via our Customer Information Transformation Environment (CITE). CITE is a revolutionary service which we are rolling out to you, free of charge. You need to do nothing to make use of this service, we will be providing it automatically to you from 03:17 tomorrow.
The default setting of CITE will keep you safe by blocking all access to non-approved sites. The list of approved sites will be available from our website shortly. Please note that the list of approved websites may not be an approved website.
Non-approved sites will be replaced with a picture of a kitten.
If you chose CITE GOLD (an extra cost option) then you may chose between a picture of a kitten or a picture of a puppy. Please note that the pictures in question may not depict living animals.
Q. How do I opt out of CITE?
A. If you chose to opt out of CITE then please note that we can offer no guarantee as to your future safety, either while using the Internet or indeed in your daily life. You can opt out of CITE by sending us a text message at 03:17 tomorrow when CITE is rolled out. The telephone number to text can be found on the list of approved websites.
Q. How much will CITE GOLD cost?
A. How much is peace of mind? How much do you value your family? Reflect on those questions and you will know how much you will be willing to sacrifice for CITE GOLD.
Q. Can I opt out of CITE after 03:17 tomorrow?
A. You seem to be rather cavalier in your approach to the safety of both your family and yourself. We would not be surprised if you were not the kind of person who experienced frequent accidents – broken limbs, blows to the head, pistol whippings. However we recognise that our customers have the right to chose so you can simply opt out by calling in to any of our shops in the high street with your mobile, copies of your last 6 bills, your passport, your driving licence, Cthulhu, at least 2 utility bills and a valid credit card. There will be no cost to opting out but for identification purposes we will charge your credit card £5,000.
Thank you for being one of our valued customers.